Margaretsnews
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
 
Wednesday

Bad news: The aforewarned sore throat is here, along with the ache when I swallow, and the painful burping after ingesting anything. All caused by radiation. My friend E. said that radiation is evil, and she is right. It doesn’t hurt, it’s not loud, there are no bright lights, but it sure does put me down. I know it’s all temporary, which is what I have to focus on instead of the discomfort. (You know, like a migraine has discomfort.)


More bad news: last night, I ordered a take-out of my favorite Chinese dish from my favorite Chinese restaurant, and I enjoyed the aroma all the way home. Once home, I got out the plates and the bowls, drooling the whole time. My son and I ate the soup. YUM. Wonderful stuff. And then it was time for the main event. I put the rice on my plate, snuck a bite of the meat, ready for that sweet and hot tang and ….. ewww. Huh?? It wasn’t good. So I took another bite, thinking that maybe it was just that first one that wasn’t so good. Nope, the second bite was also not good. So, I offered some to my son, who happily took a big bite and decided that ol’ Mom really shouldn’t eat any more of that, and that he’d be doing me a huge favor if he ate it, since it was so awful and all, as he was chewing faster and faster, having a few more bites. I wrestled it back from him, stirred it up a little, and took one more bite, and waited for the taste buds to acknowledge my favorite Chinese dish. Nope. They decided that dinner would be a few bites of fried rice, and then a cup of hot chocolate. I hope my son enjoyed my dinner.

However, there is good news! My mysterious Skippy bracelet buddies (they know who they are, and I don’t) got together and decided to help me in a very thoughtful way. Imagine my surprise to receive that gift! To all of you, I say thank you. Please know that I am very, very grateful, and appreciate your kindness and generosity.

More good news! My co-workers, angels that they are, also got together and purchased several gift cards to local restaurants. Now on those nights when no one will be cooking, someone can go and get a tasty meal. There are also gift cards to a grocery store, so when I need to send someone out for 1 thing or a whole list, I won’t have to worry about having cash on hand.

The days are getting harder, and I can feel many hands taking care of me. Thanks for being here.
 
Sunday, November 26, 2006
 
Sunday

It’s been a very good weekend. I had forgotten how it feels to feel good. I’ve had 4 days of no chemo and no radiation, and boy, could I get used to this! Despite the slight fatigue, a little breathlessness, and the periodic shooting pain in my jaw, I feel pretty darn good today. And I’m going to enjoy it, too, because tomorrow it’s back to the routine of Chemo Monday, and radiation every weekday. Yeah, I can’t wait.

I’m having the aforewarned discomfort when I swallow. My throat doesn’t hurt (yet), but when I swallow anything, it feels like it’s too big to get down. Just a little ache every time I swallow. I’m trying to remember to take small bites, chew the food longer, and swallow slowly. I don’t even know if that helps, but I guess it can’t hurt. I also have indigestion, thanks to the radiation. No matter what I eat, I burp for hours afterward, and it hurts. (My apologies if this is too much info!) My doctor advised that I take liquid antacids with simethicone, (like Mylanta or Maalox), and that helps some. It seems that every treatment that makes me well has a side effect that needs its own treatment. Sheesh. I’m glad that this is a temporary place.

Thanks for being here. The friends, co-workers, family members, and everyone else who is here is helping me through this journey. I’m grateful to all who have held my hand, pulled me up, and carried me through the dark days. I stay strong because y’all do.
 
Thursday, November 23, 2006
 
Happy Thanksgiving!

I had an interesting email this morning. A wonderful friend sent me Thanksgiving greetings, and it got me to thinking of how much I truly have to be thankful for. There's a lot. Get comfy.

I'm thankful for pain. (Huh?) Yes. Pain is an indication that something is wrong. Without pain, we'd never know the extent of an injury, or the severity of a sickness.

I'm thankful for modern medicine. And good drugs.

I'm thankful for nice-looking doctors. (Hey, I'm sick, not dead!)

I'm thankful for nurses, technicians, and medical assistants. They do a lot of legwork without a lot of recognition, and they often go above and beyond the usual expectations.

I'm thankful to be employed at my job. The people there are awesome. They are caring, supportive, funny, and they adopted me before I knew it.

I'm grateful for my kids. They have really stepped up since I've been sick and have done everthing I've asked, and they have not let me down once. J., you can be proud of your boys.

I'm grateful for Mom's sausage and celery stuffing, which I will eat too much of later today.

I'm grateful for Dad's generosity. I haven't had a request turned down yet.

I'm thankful for our military. They are doing the job the rest of us don't want to do.

I'm thankful for Thanksgiving parades that I can watch on TV.

I'm thankful for those people who take care of me.

I'm thankful for my big, ol' lazy dog. If not for him, I'd never go for a walk and enjoy my neighborhood. He's ready any time, and will walk as long and as far as I do, and he never complains about the heat or the cold.

I'm grateful for a car that runs, a house with heat and food, enough money to pay the bills, and affordable makeup.

And I am grateful for those who keep me inspired. Thank you.

I hope your Thanksgiving Day is filled with the people and things that you love the best.
 
Monday, November 20, 2006
 
Answers

I’m getting questions again, so it’s time for the answers. Here goes.

1. Yes, I’m working. Full days most of the time, with time off for Happy Juice Monday. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to work full days, but you can bet the rent that I’ll work as long as I can. Part of this battle is not letting the beast win.

2. No, there’s been no nausea. None. Zero. Not even for a minute. I get good anti-nausea drugs (which I get in IV form) along with my chemo, and more by pill if I need it.

3. Yes, I’m eating. As of today, I don’t have trouble swallowing and my throat is not sore enough to keep me from food. I understand that that may change, and if it does, I’ll deal with it then. I’ll be in mourning if I can’t eat chocolate!

4. No, I don’t feel as good as I’d like to. The wig, the makeup, and the Motrin are all tools that I use to trick myself into feeling better. The “fake it ‘til you make it” mentality is alive and well. On the other hand, I don’t feel terrible, either, and certainly much, MUCH better than I did 6 months ago.

5. Yes, I’m letting some things slide. Some things are just not getting done and some things I’m asking others to do. I figure that if lots of people can do just one thing, then it’ll all get done, and my house will remain upright, clean-ish, and well-stocked.

6. No, keeping the blog is not a problem. It’s a good record for me, and a good way to keep others informed of events. I know some people want to talk to me to see for themselves, and what they get is my short-of-breath voice, telling them that yes, I am OK. (Talking on the phone is still hard.)

7. Yes, my kids are OK. They don’t ask many questions, so I keep them informed of what’s going on constantly. I’m leaning on them more and more for help—it’s a win-win since they are learning to cook (better), and launder (more often), and clean (when I can catch them).

8. No, I don’t know exactly when the surgery is. I have 5 more weeks of radiation (with time off for holidays), and then I get to rest up for a few weeks before Dr. White can do his work.

9. Yes, I have bad days. There are days when my throat, jaw, ear, and head hurt, I cough a lot, I have no energy, and I just want to stay home and be poor little me. And then I think that I’ll be damned if I’ll give the beast a toehold on this day. Repeat after me: I don’t think so, Skippy.
 
Saturday, November 18, 2006
 
Saturday

Today was a rough day. I had chemo on Monday, and radiation all week long, and boy, today it caught up with me. I went to bed last night with no Aleve (completely by accident), and slept reasonably well without it. However, I woke up in pain and very lethargic and stayed in bed until after 9:00 this morning, just resting and dozing. I won’t forget the Aleve again; it keeps me nearly pain-free all night and for a little while in the morning until that first dose of Motrin kicks in.

All day long the housework has been calling me, but I’ve been ignoring it. The laundry is calling me, too, but I can’t ignore that. I mean, how hard is it to load the washer and then, 60 minutes later, the dryer? I can do that much. And that may be all I do today. I’ve had 7 out of 30 radiation treatments. I hope I survive the rest! It’s funny (and by now you know that I don’t mean “humorous”) how a little 3-minute zap can wear out a human body. All I want to do after work is sit and rest. All I want to do at night is sit and rest. All I want to do on the weekend is sit and rest. I often play cards on the computer, with one eye on the TV, because those things don’t require much concentration or energy. I can see that I’ll be leaning on others for help quite a bit in this phase of treatment, simply because I can’t do the things that need doing. (That may kill me as well!)

On the plus side, I don’t have the trouble eating (yet) that was predicted. Oh, I’m sure it’s coming—everything predicted has—but so far I don’t have trouble swallowing. And that’s a good thing, too, because I need my daily chocolate allowance. Hey, when I’m too sick for chocolate, then I’m really sick!

Thanks for being here. Misery truly does love company!
 
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
 
Wednesday evening

Last night, for the first time in weeks, I slept the entire night. I didn’t get awakened by the dog wanting to go out. I didn’t get awakened from being too cold or too hot. I didn’t get awakened by any mysterious crashes from my sons’ rooms. Today I feel great--comparatively speaking, anyway!

This is the first full week of chemo and radiation and I think it will give me a good idea of what to expect for the rest of this phase. Today is the 3rd day after a chemo treatment; traditionally the day known for its butt-kicking abilities. (I was fine in the morning, and faded a bit in the afternoon, and then turned down a dinner invitation in the evening because I just didn't feel up to going.) The chemo takes about ½ the time to administer as before; there’s less happy juice and the immediate physical effects are much less, too. (I get to drive myself home this time! Yippee!!)

The radiation makes me tired, fatigued, lethargic, and all those other words that mean “no energy”. I understand that radiation is cumulative; that is, every zap adds to the one before, so I’m going to get REAL tired before this is all over. Something else I’ve noticed, too, with the radiation: The actual radiation is completely painless, but afterward, my chest hurts, and my jaw and ear tend to hurt. (This is referred pain since the tumor itself has no nerve endings, and the sensation has to be felt somewhere.) I asked my doctor about the pain and he said that some people are more sensitive to radiation than others and make more pain receptor cells, or it could be that the tumor is shrinking, and pressing on different nerves, but we can't know for sure. I know which one I'm going to believe. It also may just go away after a few more treatments. I remember coughing violently after the first 2 solo chemo treatments, and that eventually went away, so maybe this will, too.

For those of you who have been patiently waiting for my call, it may be coming soon. Don’t go away! I still have lots more radiation to go, and surgery is upcoming, after which I’ll be recuperating at home for a month. So if I haven’t been in touch before then, I probably will be at that point.

Thanks for being here. I could not do this alone, and I know it, and I truly appreciate all the help and support I’ve been given. Y’all are the best!
 
Monday, November 13, 2006
 
The one-two punch

Today I got chemo and radiation. How’d it go, you ask? Not bad. The radiation is very quick, and the new chemo regimen takes 2 hours, rather than 4. Some things didn't change: I still have to "donate" blood for the lab, and I still get weighed, and I still get an IV for the happy juice. I don’t like being stuck for bloodwork, and I don’t like getting stuck for an IV. After radiation, my chest feels very heavy, achy; like there's a weight on it, and I cough more. It's hard to breathe, and it's hard to talk sometimes. (Yeah, y'all enjoy that!) It's almost like the tumor is trying to move and get away from the zapper. I know it’s all for the greater good, but this journey is emotionally and physically draining. I tend to get frustrated at the constant fatigue, but, tough nuggets, I'll just have to hang in there for a while longer. (No, I haven’t lied to y’all, I just post on the days when I feel good.) On the other hand, I do feel OK most days. Most days.

I have lots of apprehension--I've never had cancer before. There are so many unknowns (at least to me), and while I’m assuming that these medical pros know what they’re doing, I have no proof that they actually do. (When you’re told that you have treatable cancer, you tend to take their word for it; it’s not like you shop around for cheap treatments!) So I have no references, no happy customers, who are glad to recommend my doctors and their treatment procedures. I have to follow their advice blindly, which always scares me just a little. Yes, my doctors and their staff always inform me of what’s going on, what’s coming up, and what to expect. They are kind and gentle and don’t roll their eyes when I ask the same question for the 15th time. (Hey, I have chemo brain and can’t remember squat anymore. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.) I guess I just want someone to guarantee (yes, guarantee) that at the end of this adventure that I’ll be healthy and well, and this entire ordeal will be permanently over, and that I’ll live long enough to enjoy my children having teenagers. What I’m learning is that there are no guarantees. Good lesson for me.

But I’m sure hoping to see my kids have those teenagers. Hehe!

Thanks for being here. Knowing that my cheering squad is here, right here, fighting the good fight with me is quite a comfort. Thanks.
 
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
 
Wednesday's news

Yesterday was the day of the tattooing. And as usual, my fears were bigger than the event. (When will I learn?) I was expecting giant, disfiguring, glaring spots, about as big as a pencil eraser. What I got was a teeny, tiny, miniscule, barely-there dot, not quite this big: . Exactly what the technicians promised me, but hey, I’ve been promised things before and, well, I’m a little cynical. I have five of those teeny little dots, one on each side and 3 in the middle. They are there as guidelines for the radiologist so he (or she) can aim the zapper in exactly the right spot. We don’t want to “almost” hit the tumor, we want to smack it right in its ugly face.

That procedure started today, which I wasn’t expecting. I thought we were going to start it all on Monday—you know, new week, new procedures—but there I was, thinking again. I have to stop that. The radiation part wasn't bad at all. I just laid on the table while the zapper made buzzing and humming noises, and it was over in 5 minutes. I’ll get radiation every weekday afternoon for 6 weeks. The chemo will be done on Mondays (at least that’s what I think will happen; I’m probably wrong on that, too).

So this new adventure has begun. I wasn’t quite ready for it, but it’s here anyway; sort of like how my 40th birthday snuck up on me years ago, and that turned out to be OK. I am so grateful to have a workplace that is so very supportive of my time out, which has been and will be considerable. I am also grateful for my support groups, friends, and family, who listen to me whine in person and in print. And there are a couple of you who talk me off the ledge on a regular basis, and once I’m down, give me a smack to the back of the head. Yeah, I’m grateful to you, too.
 
Monday, November 06, 2006
 
Monday, Monday

Once again, I have not posted in a few days because there’s nothing new going on. Tomorrow, I’ll get my tattoos that will show the radiologist where to aim the zapper next week. I’m not looking forward to that—did y’all know that they use NEEDLES to tattoo people?? Ouch.

More ouch: In the beginning, LOTS of people came to me with good stories of cancer and chemo, which I appreciated very much. All were stories of successful treatments, and long survivals, which kept me hopeful for my own success. (Yes, it’s all about me.) I have noticed that this time, however, there are NO stories of chemo and radiation coming my way. I don’t know if people have shared all they have, or if they know stuff that they’d rather not share because it may not be as encouraging. My doctors told me that this will be different from just chemo; and that I may get (that’s doctorspeak for “get ready for”) a very sore throat, may have trouble swallowing, may not want to eat because of the first 2 things, and suck it up, you big sissy, and eat anyway.

Speaking of eating, I had a wonderful friend bring dinner to me on Friday night. The dinner was everything it was touted to be; tasty and plentiful. But the BEST thing was the compliment I got as the delivery was made. Thank you C., I’ll float on that for weeks. Apparently, blondes really do have more fun, and if I EVER get hair again, I’m gonna color it blonde. (Wait about 6 months, then invest in stock in Clairol. And if this counts as insider trading, then I’m just kidding.)

I feel like this is the calm before yet another storm, and I’m getting ready. I can feel everyone else getting ready, too, to help me with whatever I need to get through this next phase. I don’t know exactly what to expect, but I know I can count on all of you to pull me up and carry me if I can’t carry myself. That, in itself, is calming. Thanks for being here.
 
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
 
Finally, some news!

Yesterday was the day of the doctor visits. On the first visit, I had another CT scan to show the exact location of the tumor in my lung, and then I was marked with an X in 3 places. This is necessary to know where to aim the radiation. There is one mark on my right side, one on the left, and one in the middle. I understand the one on each side, but I don’t know why there is one in the middle. (I’ll call & find out.) It’s almost exactly over my heart. I’ll get the permanent markings--tattoos, actually--next week. The tattoos won’t be hearts, or flowers or anything fun like that, just tiny blue dots. Bummer. When I saw the temporary marks, I got a little panicky. Suddenly this was just all too real and too much to deal with; much like my reaction when I was first told that I had cancer. (You know, the “holy *%^#” reaction.) But then I remembered that this is not news; I’ve known about this part all along, and this is just the next phase of treatment.

I had the consultation with my oncologist also, and he reported the news. The CT and PET scans show that the tumor is not growing. The PET scan (which uses “glow in the dark juice”), showed that the tumor glowed a bit less and in a smaller area. There is something around the tumor that is non-cancerous; it could be scar tissue, or it could be a bit of pneumonia. The scan also shows that the cancer has not spread. All good news, y’all!

And that brings me to the new schedule. (drum roll, please…) The new schedule will be 1 day of chemo + radiation, then 4 days of just radiation, for 6 weeks. So every weekday I’ll go get a treatment, for a total of 30 treatments. I’ll start in 2 weeks. Is anyone surprised that I don’t want to go? It’s something new and different, and I don’t know how my body will react to all that. Of course, the “solo” chemo treatments went fairly well; each one seemed to be a little less draining on me than the one before, so maybe this will work like that too. Hey, it could happen!

I know this is a long post, but I wanted to give a complete update. Thanks SO much for being here with me, and pulling me out of my scaredy-cat funk. I am very grateful for those who keep me strong, and if you’re here, you’re one of them. Thank you.
 

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I decided to put a blog together for 2 reasons. I have cancer and am undergoing treatments. I wanted a record of events, and I also knew I wouldn't be able to update everyone constantly. You know how it goes: the first person who calls gets very good information. The 10th person gets, "I'm fine, kinda tired. Can we talk later?", which I thought wasn't fair. The response has been awesome; I never expected this kind of success. Thanks, Blogger! And thanks to all who read, respond, and care.

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