Phase III postponed

Another roadblock. %@*&^. Double *&%#@.

The CT scan I had January 19 showed 3 spots on my liver, so my doctor ordered an MRI, which I had on Sunday. Two of those spots are nothing, they’re just spots. The third one is a troublemaker; we just don’t know what kind yet. To figure it out, a PET scan is in order. Well, my insurance company requires a 48-hour pre-approval period before allowing a PET scan. In 48 hours, I have surgery scheduled. My surgeon won’t perform the surgery without the PET scan because he wants to know two things: 1) if the spot is harmless, or 2) if it’s the cancer metastasizing into my liver. If it’s the former, we have no problem at all. If it’s the latter, then surgery is not our first option anyway. And so, since we don’t have 48 hours before surgery for the PET scan, the surgery has been cancelled. The PET scan is now scheduled for Friday morning. What we do next depends on what the scan shows. Once again, it’s a “wait and see” situation, the kind that frustrates and aggravates me the most.

Am I anxious? You bet. I'm annoyed that I was ready for this surgery and now we have to stop it. This is the 2nd time we've NOT done the surgery. (Check July 28 blog entry.) For good reason, I have to say, but still, I was emotionally ready for this, and now I have to re-group and wait. ^%#*&.

I am also very grateful to have a surgeon who is willing to check and double check when he’s suspicious of a situation. He’s been right on target every time, and as annoyed as I am to have yet another IV test, I’m glad that he doesn’t want to operate unnecessarily.

So, no surgery on Thursday, and PET scan on Friday, and men in the white coats on Saturday with a special coat for me….

At this point, I’m much calmer than I was earlier. This morning I was ready to seriously hurt people, whereas now I just want to poke them with a stick. Repeatedly.

Stay tuned.  ¶ 4:56 PM 2 comments

  Getting ready

I’m getting more relaxed—no, just less uptight—about the upcoming surgery. Some of the preparations have been made, and others are waiting patiently in their spot in line, and others are still waiting to make it onto the list. Some things I can’t do too soon, otherwise I’ll just have to do them again, like clean the house. (And heaven forbid that the vacuum cleaner runs more than absolutely necessary.)

It would be a huge understatement to say that I don’t want to have this surgery. I know that everything up to this point was in preparation for it. But now that it’s here, I’m losing my macho and enthusiasm, and I don’t want to play anymore. I feel like I’ve been thrown under a bus —a couple of times—and there’s still a couple of buses waiting with their engines revving. It’s hard to do something that you know will make you feel rotten. And then heal from that, and do it again. And again. Bottom line: I don’t want to do this because I’m a big, ol’ chicken. But since I have no choice, I’ll be there Thursday morning, kicking and screaming, insurance card in one hand, rabbit’s foot in the other.

I’ve decided that when I go to have the surgery, the wig stays home. I now have enough hair to be seen from a distance, and I’m quite OK with being wig-less. The new look is quite different, and I like it better. My new hair is salt and pepper colored, very short and sassy looking, and soft like baby hair. So anyone who comes to visit should not be looking for short-ish blonde hair because that’ll be at home on the dresser. Permanently, I hope.

Since this is as much a record for me as information for you, I felt obligated to share this little wrinkle. After the CT scan was read last week, I was told that there are spots on my liver. So now I get to have an MRI on Sunday (SUNDAY?? Surely I jest—but no) to check out my liver and brain. I’m fairly certain that there’s nothing in my brain (y’all go ahead and laugh, it’s OK), and the doctor is fairly certain that these spots are just spots, so we’re not worrying. At this point, we have nothing to worry about; all we know is that my liver has spots. (Should I call them liver spots? No? ) When I know more info, I’ll post it.

Thanks for being here. I know y’all will take good care of me. Again.  ¶ 2:19 PM 3 comments

  Phase III

It’s official. Surgery date is a week from Thursday, on February 1, at 9:45 a.m., at Duke Health Hospital in Raleigh. (This hospital used to be Raleigh Community on Wake Forest Road.) I had a very long talk with my surgeon, and he agreed that it’s time to do this, if we’re going to. And so we are. All I have to do is show up, and he’s going to do the hard part. There are several parts to the surgery, which will take 3-5 hours. The first part is a bronchoscopy, which is a tube down my trachea to look into my lungs. The 2nd part is a diagnostic thoracoscopy, which is a camera in the chest to biopsy the lymph nodes. (It’ll get there via the hole for the chest tube.) The 3rd part is the thorachotomy, which is the incision for the removal of the lower lobe of my left lung. (The incision will be on my back, between my shoulder blade and spine.) The 4th part will be the installation of the intercostal muscle flap, which is a procedure where Dr. White will cut off a piece of rib muscle and use it to seal the severed bronchial tube to avoid infection, much like patching a tire. The last part will be the dissection of the lymph nodes. And then I’ll get all stitched up, and Phase III is done.

Once again, I’m getting my ducks in a row, and this time, they’re going. I guess they’ve been lined up so often that they’re used to it by now. Let’s see what’s on the list: Get house clean. Make living arrangements for the boys while I’m in the hospital. Check on bus schedule for youngest son. Stock up on easy-to-cook food and snacks for when I’m home. Make arrangements for the dog. Pay bills. Wash all the clothes. Get the list of errand-runners. Schedule the food-bringers. I’m sure there’s more, and probably something big that I’m forgetting. It will probably come to me the morning of surgery, when I can do nothing about it. You know, I’ve known that this surgery was coming, from way back in August. I’ve recited the order of events so often that it was my mantra. And now that it’s here, I’m a little panicky about it. My mind is racing with all the big things I need to do, and all those little details to attend. Oh, I’ll be fine later, but right now, I’m just a little testy. Imagine that!

So there’s the latest plan. I wanted to give as much info as possible so that everybody knows what’s happening. And that way, when (not if) I forget, y’all can remind me. Thanks.  ¶ 5:41 PM 2 comments

  It's Friday!

I went back to the dentist today--my temporary crown fell off and it had to be replaced. It was his day off, but he insisted that I come right in to the office. He was afraid that I'd glue the crown back on with superglue. Can't imagine where he got that idea.

Got the CAT scan today also, and while I was waiting, I saw a Reader’s Digest sitting on the table. The article that caught my eye was “Doctors Gamble with Your Life”. Yup, same article I saw way back in July. I read it again; my doctors were not mentioned--a good omen! The CAT scan is the one where I drink the 2 bottles of contrast liquid --apple flavor this time and not too bad--and have the IV contrast dye injected. The whole procedure took about 15 minutes. The results will be put on a CD and delivered to the surgeon.

I spoke with my surgeon very briefly today, and I get to meet with him on Tuesday to finalize the surgery plans. All of the chemo and radiation were in preparation for surgery, so there really is not much to discuss with Dr. White, except the when and where. Once I get details, I'll post them so we'll all know. As usual, I don't want to do this part. My life is finally getting back to the usual rythmn, and I hate to disrupt it again. I've had surgery before and it's no picnic. There are still lots of unknowns and still no guarantees. Once again, I'm getting ahead of myself, and dreading the event before I even have details about it. Geez.

And then Phase III will begin. I'll need for y'all to hold my hand again.  ¶ 5:34 PM 2 comments

  The Wednesday Update

I think it’s time for another update.

I got that pesky tooth fixed on Wednesday. I have an appointment for a CAT scan on Friday. I have an appointment for a consultation with the surgeon on Tuesday. I swear, I’m hitting doctors’ offices more often than the refrigerator these days!

The one place I'm not hitting is the radiation room. I just can’t tell you all how much I enjoy NOT taking radiation. It’s just amazing how good I felt once the beatings stopped! The burn on my back is healing very quickly; now it’s just pink and peeling. In a few weeks, it’ll be just a distant horrible memory. I can eat almost whatever I want to now; food that is spicy hurts a little, as well as drinks that are icy cold or steaming hot.

Although I’m not feeling exhausted by the radiation anymore, I am feeling somewhat tired from the stupid cancer. I still cough, especially when I’m overdoing. My throat is still sore, and I wake up many times during the night. I have trouble breathing when I walk too much, or too fast, or carry something. Then I have to slow down, or sometimes, stop completely. I have trouble breathing when I talk too much and then I just have to stop talking altogether. (You just know that everybody around me enjoys that!)

I’ve discovered that I sleep much better when I take a walk in the evenings, even though I have to walk slowly. The dog likes going with me; he doesn’t care how fast or slow we go, as long as he gets to sniff every shrub along the way.

Last week, I worked 2 full days (don’t tell E.!), and intend to work full days this week. So far, I don’t feel any more tired this week than when I was working half days. I’ve been cooking and laundering and shopping and doing just a (very) little cleaning. I figure that it’s time to get back to normal for a while, while I can, before the next phase of treatment knocks me flat again. Yes, the fun just never ends!

Thanks for being here. It’s good to be so well taken care of.  ¶ 6:51 PM 0 comments

  Thursday

It’s been a little over a week after radiation ended, and I feel much better! I didn’t realize how bad I felt until I started getting well again. And because I was feeling so much better, I decided that I could work a little more than a half day. So I did. Tuesday I went home at 2:30, and decided that I still needed to take it easy, so I only did 2 loads of laundry, walked the dog, and cooked some chili for dinner. Easy stuff. Apparently not easy enough, because on Wednesday I was tired, my jaw hurt, and I was having a hard time breathing. (Yes, E., you were right. Again.) But you know, it’s SO hard to rest when I feel so darn good. And the boys are resuming their lives because ol’ Mom seems to be feeling fine now. Yes, they still do whatever I ask, but now they seem surprised that I need help. And so am I. Now I know that I didn’t get sick all at once, and won’t heal all at once. I get it. It’s still hard to take it easy.

It’s funny (and you know I mean NOT) that I’m still feeling some of the effects of the tumor and radiation. I still burp after eating or drinking, but not as much as before. The radiation burn is still tender. I still spend about 20 minutes coughing every morning. Some foods are still touchy to swallow--although not enough to stop me! My jaw and ear still ache sometimes. I still have pressure in my chest periodically. Breathing is labored if I walk fast or walk up stairs. After just a little exertion (like carrying groceries), my heart pounds. I feel better if I take ibuprofen each morning. I’m surprised at all these things. Logic tells me that the effects of the radiation will be here for a while, and I still have the tumor, so why wouldn’t I feel it? Still, I was sort of expecting to be “fixed” after all that chemo & killer radiation. I know, I know, the chemo & radiation were in preparation for the surgery. The purpose of the C & R regimen was to zap the cancer in the lymph nodes, and to shrink the tumor to make the removal more successful. (Although I’m told that the removal of the bottom lobe of my left lung is what will happen—I still don’t quite get why the tumor had to be shrunk if the lung will be removed anyway. Maybe they just didn’t want it to get bigger and latch onto something else. Maybe they’re keeping their options open regarding removal of the lung vs. just the tumor. Maybe the radiation crew needed new sports cars this year.)

I was reading over some old blog entries, and I have noticed that progress has been made in lots of areas. I no longer run hot and cold constantly. My fingernails are back to normal (darn!). I have eyebrows and eyelashes again! The radiation burn is shrinking; it’s now about the size of an oval softball, as opposed to not-quite-football size. I don’t have food cravings. I’m cooking more and eating more, and gaining a little weight. And the oddest thing of all: I no longer have the desire to eat chocolate by the bucketful.

Thanks for being here.  ¶ 5:31 PM 0 comments

  Phase III


Well, today’s visit with the oncologist was mostly a follow-up visit. After I told him how I was feeling, he told me what's coming next, and here it is: I’ll get a CT scan soon (don’t have a date yet), and on Jan. 23, I’ll have a visit with the surgeon, Dr. White. I think that visit will be more of a planning session than anything, to check my overall health & make the arrangements for surgery. I’ll know more after I talk with him. This surgeon looks quite young but is well trained. My oncologist said that he is the best candidate for this procedure, so I’m glad to have him. There won’t be any more “Dr. Doogie” jokes from me regarding Dr. White. I wouldn’t want something like that to come back to haunt me, say in a month or so, now would I?

I must say, I’m feeling VERY good these days! The further I get from daily radiation, the better I feel. I’m eating, I’m getting more energy, and I’m feeling like my real self again. The burn on my back is healing (it’s still VERY tender, still looks like ^#$&*, and itches like it, too), but getting better every day. I went to a party this past weekend where there was an incredible amount of amazing food, and I could eat every single thing there! (I didn’t because I wanted to save some for the other guests.) I didn’t have any alcohol (I was driving), so I don’t know how well that goes down. But one of these days, I’ll find out. It may be soon. Very soon.

I want to thank you all for being here. I know y’all were carrying me on those dark days and got me back into the sunshine. What would I do without you?  ¶ 1:34 PM 1 comments

  Wednesday


Radiation is over!! And I am doing cartwheels in my mind, just thinking about it. What a relief! This is better than the big exam being over. Better than the big presentation being over. Better than labor pains…. well, maybe not quite. Anyway, in just a couple of weeks, I’ll be able to eat whatever I want, and the burn on my back will heal. And honestly, I don’t know which of those things I want more. Fortunately, I don’t have to choose, I get both!! I have a follow up appointment with the radiation doctor at the end of the month, and then I can say good-bye to him for good.

I have an appointment with my oncologist on January 8, and I’m hoping that he’ll have a plan for me regarding surgery. I’ll know more after that visit. I think (uh-oh, there I go again!) that I’ll have about a month to regain strength and weight before the surgery, but that’s just my idea. I could be wrong.

In the meantime, I’m eating more and I had 2 cups of coffee today! Meat and starchy foods are still the hardest to get down, veggies (raw or cooked) go down OK; I have not tried fruits yet. I still eat a lot of soup, and I have not had vanilla pudding in days. I don’t miss it, either! The indigestion is better; I still burp a LOT after eating, but not as much as 2 weeks ago, and it doesn’t hurt like it did earlier, either. That’s another thing I won’t miss when this is all over.

Something else I have not had in a while: Ibuprofen. I’d been on that ‘round the clock since about April because I felt much better and didn’t cough so much when I took it. Several days ago, I remembered that I had not taken my usual morning dose, and then realized that I didn’t hurt much. It seemed like a good idea to just see how long I could go without taking any, and at this point, it’s been just over a week. Today has been particularly hard, with lots of coughing and pressure in my chest, so I may take some at bedtime. We shall see.

Thanks for being here. It’s good to celebrate with the ones that kept me moving forward. Now we can rest for a little while.  ¶ 5:09 PM 4 comments