It's Monday!

It’s another Monday, and another weekend survived. My weekend was pretty good, although I still need to remember that I have limits. Oh, I pushed them when I was a kid, is it any surprise that I push them now? On Saturday, my employer sponsored a 5 K walk for health , so of course I went, KNOWING that I could not walk the entire 5 K (it’s about 3 miles), but thinking that I could walk a little. (There I was thinking again—when will I learn?) I walked about a quarter of a mile. I was exhausted and worthless for the rest of the day. Then, since I’m a slow learner, I went strawberry picking with my family on Sunday. I picked a few berries and was wiped out after about 30 minutes. Thanks to Mom and Dad and youngest son who together picked enough berries so we could eat some now and freeze some for later. Oh, and thanks, Dad for buying the berries. My $13 really wouldn’t have covered it.

Also this weekend, I read in the local paper that “chemo brain” is a REAL condition, which is a mixed blessing, at best. Is it better to know that the forgetfulness, lack of concentration, the lack of immediate recall, and the slow rate at which thoughts come is all to be expected? And doesn’t it make sense that chemotherapy WOULD affect the brain? After all, look at what it does to the body; it’s probably a miracle that those of us on chemo can think at all, much less hold jobs, drive, shop, & feed ourselves. Although some of us feed ourselves cookies. And chocolate milk.

All in all, a good weekend. Most of my days are good, weekend or not. Except for being tired (regular or extra), I feel pretty good. I’m not in pain, not depressed, not sad, and not passively waiting. I’m generally happy, very grateful for the blessings I have, and still mad enough to insult the cancer every chance I get. I’m working, doing laundry, shopping when absolutely necessary and mostly letting the housework go. Eventually vacuuming becomes crucial, lest we drown in dog hair (the seasonal shedding has begun!). When the dust gets thick enough to write messages in, then it’s time for it to go. We laugh at clutter. We scoff at dirty dishes. We happily ignore unopened mail, especially bills. Eventually, it all gets taken care of, although never on the same day, mind you. See? It’s the good life, I tell you! Ok, so maybe not THE Good Life, but A Good Life anyway. Honestly, if I had the energy to keep up, I would. (Well, maybe.) But I don’t and I can’t let it bother me. So if you come to visit, expect a little clutter and a few dishes in the sink. And we will sit on the couch, eat cookies, and ignore it all.

¶ 3:15 PM 7 comments

It's Tuesday!

Y’all, I have a cold. I don’t know how I got it; I wash my hands several times a day, and use the sanitizer gel all the time. I have a sore throat (it’s better now), and a constant cough, and a stuffy/drippy nose. Great, just what I need. My comforting thought is that it won’t kill me. (Wouldn’t that just beat all? Go through all this chemo & radiation & other stuff just to have a cold do me in?)
Most of my colds tend to affect my vocal cords, and this one is following suit. In fact, over the weekend, I couldn’t talk much at all! (Much to the delight of those around me, I might add.) Monday night was tough, I was coughing non-stop, it seemed, and I didn’t get the sleep I wanted to get. Yes, I took cough syrup. Yes, I took Benadryl to dry up my nose. Yes, I took Tylenol. I’m sure they helped—I did get some sleep, after all—but those things wear off after a while, and the cough came right back. So today, I’m tired, coughing, and talking with the husky voice. Oh, let’s have some cheese with this whine!

The thoracentesis is tomorrow, and I’m hoping it all goes well. The procedure is pretty minor; it’s similar to going to the dentist for a filling. You know, that first shot really hurts, but everything after that is painless. The puncture site will be sore for a couple of days, but then it’ll heal up and be OK again. Last time, I didn’t look at the equipment being used and don’t intend to look this time, either. Mr. Needle will just have to do the work without my input again. It’s better that way.

Speaking of things that are better, I just gotta say that I love my hair. Of course, I’d be grateful to have any at all, but the hair I have is just wonderful. I like the texture, I like the waves and I like the color (why did I ever think blonde was good?). This hair is different from the pre-chemo hair in that it’s coarser, curlier, and darker. I’m only assuming on the color, however, I could have had hair this color for years and never have known it. (Clairol and I were good friends!)

¶ 6:16 PM 5 comments

The next big thing

I had the chest x-ray on Tuesday. The technician offered to let me see it, so I did, and wow. I’m not a radiologist; have no training at all in reading x-rays, and usually don’t have a clue as to what to look at on an x-ray. But on this one, it was screamingly clear that there was something wrong. The right lung looked clear, with ribs and blood vessels, things I expected to see. The left lung was about 2/3 white. No ribs, no blood vessels, no heart, no tumor. Why? Because the fluid in the lung was obstructing the view. No kidding. And I KNOW it’s psychosomatic (because on Tuesday I was fine), but on Wednesday I felt that fluid all day long.

I went by the oncologist’s office to pick up some supplies for a CT scan I’m having in May, and the medical assistant came out to greet me. She had read the radiologist’s report –yes, they can be quick—and was ready to get the scheduling and bloodwork done in preparation for the next thoracentesis. It’s scheduled for April 25. While I’m glad to be having it done (I’ll feel better), it means that I’ll have to sacrifice my beloved Motrin for a few days before the procedure. Oh, the horror! Banish the thought! Sad but true; I’ll have to be tough for a day or so, but maybe I can endure. Perhaps cookies will help.

Speaking of food, y’all will be thrilled to know that I am gaining some weight! Yup, gained 3 lbs. since the last chemo. I just know that everyone has been up nights, pacing, waiting for that news. I’m grateful and glad that you are here at all.

¶ 3:25 PM 4 comments

Another Monday

I feel so much better with each passing day. Not that I feel great, but I do feel better, which just goes to show how awful that first week really is. The extreme fatigue is gone, now I have just “regular tired” to deal with. Well, that and the pressure in my chest. Yes, again. Yup, it looks like the ol’ lung fluid is back, although not nearly to the extreme as before. I won’t let it get to that degree again; I was drowning and miserable. Tomorrow I’ll go get a chest x-ray, and then we’ll schedule the thoracentesis after that. Yes, another meeting with Mr. Needle. Is anyone surprised? It’s OK, though, as far as procedures go, it’s an easy one (for me); I hope the next one is as painless as the first one.

I’m a little concerned about a spot on my back. Since the last chemo, the skin on my back has been very sensitive where the radiation scar is. (The radiation burn has healed, but left a scar.) I can’t see it, but I’ve been told that there is a palm sized, darker brown area close to the puncture site of the thoracentesis that is a little red, a little swollen, and just a little touchy. I have no idea why. I think that it shouldn’t be sore at this point, but there I go, thinking again. It’s always something.

Food is becoming an interesting issue. I’m still more “burpy” than usual, but that doesn’t seem to be a huge issue. Chocolate milk is darn near irresistible and the colder the better. Salads (which I’ve never EVER gotten excited about) are sometimes exactly what I want to eat. Strange. Dark chocolate is still merely OK; I can have one or two bites and be quite satisfied.

I am more than satisfied with the amount of support I have—y’all are just the best! I get encouragement, I get motivation to keep going, and I get lots of laughter, which is the best medicine of all.

¶ 5:07 PM 2 comments

It’s Wednesday afternoon, and I’m feeling much better than I was earlier this week! Sunday and Monday were very hard. The mornings were OK, once I took some ibuprofen, but the afternoons were a struggle. I took Monday off from work, and I was glad that I did. Tuesday morning I was very tired and achy until the ibuprofen kicked in. Motrin is a wonder drug! If I ingest enough Motrin, I will feel better, although I don’t think I’ll get back to 100% between treatments anymore. My “bounce back” from the previous treatment was more like a “drunken stagger back” to feeling OK. I guess that is to be expected at this point. A friend was insightful enough to mention that yes, life is full of changes, and the “new normal” is to be expected, just like with any life change. Huh. She’s right, and I wonder why I didn’t think of that myself. Just another day in Chemotown, I suppose.

I’ve been asked about the pleurodesis (the permanent fuse of lung to chest wall) vs. the thoracentesis (meeting with Mr. Needle). Here’s the scoop: My oncologist said that the thoracentesis could be repeated a couple of times, and would depend on how I felt with the fluid in my lung. If the fluid returned often, like every week, then the pleurodesis would be a good and permanent option. But if the fluid came back once or twice over the course of 3 months or so, then the pleurodesis would not be a good choice. Since the pleurodesis is a last resort method, it would only be used when repeated aspirations were not effective. So now we play my favorite game of all, “Wait and See”.

I’ve also got to wait and see what my hair is going to do. In the last blog entry, I mentioned that I’d had a haircut, and wasn’t very pleased with it. For those of you who see me, yeah, it looks OK, very similar to my hairstyle in the B. C. days (that’s Before Chemo). For those who don’t see me, imagine a very short masculine haircut with hair that is gray and black. (And how wonderful to complain about something as petty as a too-short haircut!)

Thanks for being here. You all carry me in ways that I can’t even articulate. I stay strong just knowing that you’re here.

¶ 11:41 AM 19 comments

Thursday is chemo day!

Today I had another chemo treatment. I know, I know, all I had to do was show up, the nurses and technicians did all the hard work. And they do it so well, and so kindly. I don’t know if any of them are cancer survivors, but they are all so very empathetic and gentle, which just shows how truly wonderful they are. They all seem to understand that needle sticks hurt, and that hair loss is yet another indignity, and that people’s once-healthy bodies are becoming strange vessels full of poison. They also understand that it’s OK to laugh sometimes.

I had a good talk with my oncologist today. We discussed the lung fluid, and the thoracentesis (the meeting with Mr. Needle), and the pleurodesis (the fusing of lung and chest wall) and some other things. My biggest question was: if the lung and chest wall are fused together so no fluid can get in there, but the fluid is still being made because of the tumor or other inflammation, where will the fluid go? The answer is: If there’s nowhere for the fluid to go, my body won’t make any. Problem solved. This procedure is used as a last resort, and would be used only after repeated aspirations had failed. Along those same lines, I asked about the pain in my back whenever I cough or sneeze. It feels like a knife stabbing me, but only for about 2-3 seconds, then it’s gone. The good doctor said that it’s probably pleuritis (inflammation of the lung), and may go away with the help of my good friend, Motrin. (If you haven't bought that stock yet, now's the time!) I also asked if this chemo drug is cumulative, and he said yes. Ah. That explains why I’ve not been bouncing back quickly. Each treatment adds to the one before, so from this point on, I won’t fully recover from the last chemo before I get hit with the next one. The good news is that it wasn’t just my imagination, that I really was tired for a longer period. The bad news is that it’s going to continue.

Finally got the hair cut! It was looking great in the back, but the top was getting a bit heavy. So I went to get it trimmed up, and told the stylist that I just wanted it just a teeny bit shorter. I told her that I liked the curls, so of course, she cut them off. If they come back, I’ll keep them. As with most haircuts, I’m not sure that I like this one, but after a day or so, maybe I’ll be able to work with it. If not, it’s just hair, and will grow back. And I still have my blonde wig, just in case!

Thanks for being here. Every day I get some kind of encouragement, and I appreciate it so much. Between my health and the personal issues, it’s very easy to get discouraged. Thanks for holding me up and keeping me moving.

¶ 5:58 PM 4 comments

The recovery and follow-up

It’s been almost a week since my meeting with Mr. Needle, and I’m healing up just fine. I had a follow-up visit with my radiologist (it gave me chills walking back into that place!), and he said that I’m doing well except for some fluid in my lung, probably about a liter or so, and guess what he advised? Yup. And if that doesn’t work, there’s another procedure we can use called a pleurodesis. This procedure scars the lining of the lung to the chest wall, so that no fluid can get in there. It’s a procedure that requires hospitalization, and so of course, I don’t want to do it. The fluid could be caused by the tumor or by some inflammation in my lung. Fusing the lung and the chest wall together to keep fluid out won’t eliminate either the tumor or the inflammation, so the fluid could still be generated. Where will it go? Surely someone has the answer. Dr. R. said that most people who have it done can breathe much better afterward. (The good doctor also said that jogging would be out of the question, but I could still play tennis once I healed. I wonder why he thought those things were relevant in my world!) Anyway, once healed up, life would proceed as usual, so that part was encouraging.

Sometimes I think that I’m falling apart; section by section. I feel like I get a good grip on today’s issues, and then something else torpedoes in and then I have to scramble. Is this a test of will? Attitude? Endurance? Faith? As though it matters at all. To say that I’m tired of this game is a HUGE understatement.

I’m a little cynical this week; I guess, it’s been a hard week for me and I’m tired. There have been some personal issues going on in addition to these health issues, and it all just seemed to crash in on me early in the week. You’ve heard that saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” Well, it was, and I wanted to. Yup, a one-way ticket to Anywhere-But-Here was sounding pretty darn good. But I was needed here more than I wanted to leave, so here I stayed. Thank you E. for talking me off the ledge and not giving me a shove. I owe you big. Again.

¶ 6:41 AM 2 comments