Monday

Well, y'all, I posted a blog around noon on Monday, and it just didn't take. Luckily, I saved it and will re-post. If it shows up twice, feel free to read it both times. Here goes:

It's noon on Monday, and I'm watching the news and truly wanting to be at work today. Except I'm not. I told Enola I was going and she was against it. But she's not the boss of me. And then I called Vandella and told her I was going in and she was also against it. And since she is the boss of me, I'm home. And I honestly have to say that it's a good thing that someone smarter than I am is in charge, because staying home today was a very good idea. I thought I would be feeling very good and ready to get up early, drive in, and be a productive member of society today. I was wrong on all counts. As y'all know, on Thursday I was prepped for some hefty surgery. Then the plan changed, but I'd already been given enough anesthesia to kill a horse, apparently. And the effects are still with me. I'm still moving slowly and get light-headed (I'd say "dizzy" but some would wonder how that's different from any other day). The couch in front of the TV is still my best friend. So maybe tomorrow I'll get to go to work.

I AM feeling somewhat better every day; I just thought that I'd be feeling MUCH better by this time. That's what I get for thinking! It's funny (once again, not funny, what I mean is annoying and irritating) that I'm still so fatigued--just getting a shower is exhausting. I'm trying to rest and not talk much, and those two things alone may just do me in. Talking is hard, and talking on the phone is hardest, so if you call, don't be surprised to get my machine or someone else saying that I just can't talk right then. I LOVE hearing from people and I am SO grateful that so many people care, but talking just wears me out. ( I swear, if the talking doesn't kill me, the not-talking might!)

Tomorrow is the appointment with the oncologist, when I get to learn all about my chemo, the when and how much and how often. I don't want to go. It's one more thing on the list that's already too long, with more stuff to remember. Oh, relax, I'll go, and I'll take notes and listen real hard--I just don't want to. Thursday is the appointment with the surgeon again, and I'm hoping he'll take the stitches out of my neck from the mediastenoscopy. They are currently covered by a band-aid now and are not visible. Much.

So that's today's scoop. I have plenty of food (yes, I'm eating; yesterday I had pie AND ice cream) and I don't need anything at all. I had a good friend offer me a stunt double the other day, and I may take her up on that. I'm still taking Motrin and Tylenol 'round the clock--still have the sore throat--and they work pretty well.

Thanks for being here. I truly appreciate the care and the generosity of those around me. I feel as though I have a soft place to fall and people ready to help me up.  ¶ 1:27 PM 5 comments

  It's noon on Monday, and I'm watching the news, and truly wanting to be at work today. Except I'm not. I told Enola that I was gong, and she was against it. But she's not the boss of me. And then I called Vandella and told her I was going in and she was also against it. And since she is the boss of me, I'm home. And I honestly have to say that it's a good thing that someone smarter than I am is in charge, because staying home today was a very good idea. I thought I would be feeling very good, and ready to et up early, drive in, and be a productive member of society today. I was wrong on all counts. As y'all know, on Thursday, I was prepped for some hefty surgery, and then the plan changed, but I'd already been given enough anesthesia to kill a horse, apparently. And the effects are still with me. I am still moving slowly and I get light-headed (I'd say "dizzy" but some may wonder how that's different from any other day). The couch in front of the TV is still my best friend. So maybe tomorrow I'll get to go to work.

I AM feeling somewhat better every day; I just thought that I'd be feeling MUCH better by this time. I guess that's what I get for thinking! It's funny (once again, not funny, what I mean is annoying and irritating) that I'm still so fatigued; just getting a shower is exhausting. I'm trying to rest and not talk much and those two things alone may just do me in! Talking is hard, and talking on the phone is hardest, so if you call, don't be surprised to get my machine or someone else saying that I just can't talk right then. I LOVE hearing from people and I am SO grateful that so many people care, but talking just wears me out. (I swear, if the talking doesn't kill me the not-talking might!)

Tomorrow is the appointment with the oncologist, when I get to learn all about my chemo: the when and how much and how often. I don't want to go. It's one more thing on the list that's already too long, with more stuff to remember. Oh, I'll go, and listen real hard and take notes--I just don't want to. And Thursday is the appointment with the surgeon again, and I'm hoping that he'll take the stitches out of my neck from the mediastenoscopy. Don't worry, the stitches are covered by a band-aid, so they are not visible. Much.

So that's today's scoop. I have plenty of food (yes, I'm eating--had pie AND ice cream yesterday) and I don't need anything at all. I had a very good friend offer me a stunt double the other day, and I may take her up on that. I'm still taking Motrin and Tylenol 'round the clock --still have the original sore throat--and they work pretty well.

Thanks for being here. I truly appreciate the care and the generosity of those around me. I feel as though I have a soft place to fall, and then people to help me up.  ¶ 9:53 AM 1 comments

  Margaretsnews

It's Saturday, noonish, and I'm still lounging around in jeans, a t-shirt and my ugly socks. Got a shower today --YES!!!--and was ready to hit the couch again when I got dressed. It's funny (well, not funny, what I really mean is annoying) how quickly I get tired. I'm most comfortable lying on the couch, and just spend the whole day there, lolling about and eating bon-bons. Ok, so maybe not bon-bons, whatever the heck those are. But I AM trying to eat. Y'all know that I don't miss many meals, (and boy, does it show!), but I'm just not so hungry lately. Oh, the appetite will come back--it always does-- in a day or so, when I can be more active.

I want to thank all of you who have been SO kind and supportive during this rough time. I've gotten flowers, a balloon, lots of food, funny and thoughtful cards, a book, phone calls, short visits, lots of offers to help in various ways, and email messages. WOW. I appreciate it all, and I want y'all to know just how much it helps just to know that you're right there, a click or a call away, for whatever I need. I could not have picked better people to care for me. Thank you.  ¶ 9:49 AM 0 comments

  Friday morning

I'm at home today, resting and coughing, and generally feeling rotten. It's the way people feel after having a tube poked down the throat and then another stuck through the skin. (With any luck at all, the incision on my throat will be in a wrinkle!)

As the previous post states (written by my son), there was no lung surgery yesterday. I talked with the doctor this morning. He said that the PET scan showed cancer in my lymph nodes, and then the mediastenoscopy (another tube in the chest) showed the same, and so it was decided that chemo was best at this time, followed by surgery in a few months.
Not what I wanted to hear. I get to go see him again next week, after I visit with the oncologist. Crud. and @$&^*.

I've been told that the tumor is about the size of a golf ball. (Do I have any golfers in my group? Get out your big clubs!)

Y'know, while I was waiting yesterday, I could feel everyone's presence with me, like y'all were there, holding my hand. Thanks. This awful journey would be unbearable without you.

I'll be back later, gotta go lie down.

Oh, and special thanks to E and K and T. They know why.  ¶ 7:40 AM 4 comments

  Ok, so today I went to the hospital and was prepared to get sliced open. As luck would have it, today wasnt my day. The surgeon decided to do another PET scan just before the surgery just to be sure that this was the right thing to do at this time. After the results came out, it was decided that another course of action would be best at this time. I am not sure what that course is going to be.There is to be no surgery at this time. However, I am home now, resting comfortably. Please try to hold all phone calls for a day or so if possible. Thanks for all of the support, and I know that I will continue to need it throughout this whole situation.  ¶ 4:45 PM 4 comments

  PET scan results

Well, I had a post all ready, telling all about the PET scan, but it's disappeared. Blogger must have decided that it was just too boring to post. The funny thing was that while I was waiting I saw a Reader's Digest with the article entitled "Doctors Gamble with Your Life", right there on the table. Geez. How encouraging.

Anyway, I just heard from the doctor (yeah, the 16-year old "surgeon"), and he said that the scan looked good. He also said that there was "activity" in the lymph nodes, which may or may not be something. He also said that he was not concerned, and to plan on going ahead with the big surgery, and then he told me to get a good night's rest. I told him to do the same. (Well, whose rest is the most important?? I'll be sleeping while he's working anyway.)

And there we have it. I can see the headlines now: "State worker goes under knife, and over sleeps. Film at 11."

I'll try to check in tomorrow morning before this leap of faith, but if I can't get here, you over there, yes, you, hold my hand, and the rest of you stand right back there, and be ready to catch me.  ¶ 1:35 PM 6 comments

  Rambling and Ramdom Thoughts

I'm positively overwhelmed, and in a good way.
The network, grapevine, word-of-mouth-advertising--whatever it is--is working in such a way that I can almost feel a physical force keeping me sane, keeping me grounded, keeping me here. Here is suddenly feeling like a very safe place to be, and I have all of you to thank for that. The happy thoughts, the prayers, and the funny cards are all such a positive force in my healing--and I can't thank you all enough.

Oh, I'm still scared, anxious, etc., but I feel like I can get through this ordeal because y'all have my back. And also because some of you are cooking, and I don't want to miss that.

Some people have questioned me as to why I'm mad. It just doesn't seem to fit in the general emotional scale. But I am, and here's why: I didn't plan on this, and now I have to change my life (however temporarily) to accommodate this new and very unwelcome intruder. Y'all know that I generally roll with the punches, can find the moved cheese, and start from wherever I am. But this.. THIS just threw me, I was not prepared and I felt like I'd been ambushed. And although I was scared (and still am), I know that fear won't help me fight this cancer, but anger will. Y'all say it with me: "I don't think so, Skippy!", and we can fight it together. I intend to win--and how could I lose, with all of you beside me?

I’m thinking of all those things left undone, and there’s only a couple of things left, at this point, it doesn’t matter anymore. Let’s see: Got the oven as clean as it’s gonna be, made the phone calls, got the blog set up, got the refrigerator cleaned out (what WAS that in the blue bowl?), got some laundry done, put gas in the car, bills are paid, got arrangements made for the boys while I’m lounging about in the hospital. Still to do: grocery shopping to stock up on pizza and quick food, the return of 1 library book, and mailing of some papers for the boy. Doable.

I’m having a PET scan tomorrow; apparently I have some money left somewhere.
This test will check for cancer in my lymph nodes in my chest, and if they’re there, then surgery will be delayed until I get some chemo. Mostly this is a precaution; the doctors believe that my cancer is only in my lung and nowhere else, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. So they say. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, but I’m tired of tests.

My mental state has become more somber, I can feel myself being pulled into that feeling of grim determination, resigned to this treatment to purge my body of this cancer. You know those days when what you do is all on auto-pilot? I'm there. The crash is coming, though, probably immediately after surgery or the next day. It won't be pretty. There will probably be tears and I'll be cranky (the real me, maybe?), but it'll pass. I promise.

I’m feeling better these last couple of days. I’m breathing a little better, and I don’t seem to be as tired. I don’t know what changed, but I’m grateful. I think I have all of you to thank, and so I say Thank You. Trust me when I tell you that your circle of friends is far bigger than you think—I have people in all sorts of places helping me in all sorts of ways, and I truly appreciate it all. Every bit helps keep me feeling encouraged and looking forward, and giving me the strength to get through this. Y’all are just the BEST !

  ¶ 3:59 PM 8 comments

  The Details


I've been told that I need to provide details. Here they are: Surgery date is Thursday, July 27 at either 1 or 1:30 (I can't remember) at what used to be Raleigh Community Hospital. It's now called Duke Systems in Raleigh, or something similar. I'll be in there about a week or so, and then I'll be home living the good life while my kids wait on me cheerfully. Well, I can dream, can't I?

Lots of things running through my mind today; which things still to do and which things I can check off the list. It might help if I actually wrote the list. Seems that I can't concentrate, can't get settled anywhere long enough to do any good and yet, my mind is racing (this must be what ADD feels like).

I'm anxious, calm, scared, mad, tense, peaceful, in pain, grateful, resigned, amazed at the outpouring of support, happy that you're here right now, and wishing that I didn't have cancer. All at the same time. No wonder I'm exhausted!

Thanks for being here. Knowing that so many people care makes this journey much easier.  ¶ 6:24 PM 7 comments

  Margaretsnews

Hectic day today. I had an 8:30 a.m. appointment with the surgeon and then an 11:30 appointment with the oncologist, and then a visit to the hospital for the pre-registration stuff.

The surgeon is... shall we say... well, he looks like my son. Not physically, but he looks that young. And I gotta say, I was a bit nervous thinking that this guy will be wielding a scalpel over my unconscious and sedated body next week. Turns out that he's a specialist in thoracic surgery (read "stuff in the chest"), and he trained at Duke for 10 years. Now I can relax. Sort of. You know what I mean. And of course, I have to have 2 more tests before the surgery, just to round out my portfolio; one will tell if the cancer is in my lymph nodes and will determine whether I take chemo before the surgery, and the other is to confirm the first test, I think. Too much info at one time, and my poor overloaded brain just stopped working. Imagine that!

I'm in the process now of getting my schedules together. If you're here and you want to help with food, contact Enola @ egrice@nc.rr.com. If you want to help with driving me hither and yon, contact Shara at sharasg@aol.com. Those two angels are helping me get organized so I can feed the boys, pay the bills, and get where I need to go. And if you want to help by sending me happy wishes, feel-good vibes, and get well quick thoughts, I'll take those, too!

Oh, one more thing: I'm sure there will be times when I'll be unable to post here. On those days, I'm going to let others post for me, and I'm sure it'll be obvious. Don't worry, I'll be back when I can get back, and I'm glad people care enough to read this!  ¶ 4:13 PM 2 comments

  The beginning (sort of) Hi everyone!
Thanks for coming. In light of my recent circumstances, I thought the best way to communicate with everyone would be on this blog. Y'all can get the latest updates, post comments, and maybe even get to know each other. I'm hoping that this blog will provide a good way to keep everyone informed. I intend to post whenever I'm able, and let my sons post when I just can't.

The story so far (You can skip this part if you want; it's long): Since February, I've had a sore throat. I went to my regular doctor, who prescribed antibiotics, thinking it may be allergy-related. I took all those, didn't feel any better, and called the Dr. back. I decided that this pain just has to go, and started taking Motrin and Tylenol by the handful. Ahhh...pain gone. This is good, but I can't do this forever. Got more antibiotics, different kind this time, that gave me a rash. Great, now I have a sore throat and I look like I've got chicken pox. By this time, it's May, and I still have the sore throat. Called the doctor again, was advised to get a chest x-ray now and a follow up x-ray in about a month. Ok, they don't hurt, and maybe we'll learn something. Had the first one and the doctor decided that I had pneumonia and prescribed....yes, more antibiotics. Oh, joy. I took them all along with the Motrin and Tylenol, and waited to feel better. I didn't. By this time, I was getting tired of this game, (y'all know my attention span), and I called the doctor again. I was referred to an ENT to check out my throat. He poked, prodded, stuck a tube all the way down to my toes, and then decided I was in great shape. Thanks, doc, but guess what? Yup, still have the sore throat. I was advised to get a throat CT scan. They don't hurt either, so why not? By this time, going to Radiology was like the bar in "Cheers": I walk in, they all yell "Margaret!" while I wave and smile. They can all recite the information on my insurance card. Of course, the CT scan shows a perfect throat, nothing to see here, folks, move along. And so now it's June and time for that 2nd chest x-ray. Back to Radiology. Well, now here's something...maybe it's not pneumonia after all. Better get a chest CT scan now, just to be sure. Oh, yes, why not? I have all this extra cash these days, y'know, now that I have a "real" job. And then I waited. And waited. And then I was advised that there's an infiltrate on my lung, don't know what it is, better have yet another test. I don't want to go. And yet, I know that I can't continue taking Motrin and Tylenol like they're candy, and some days they don't work so well anyway. So I go in for a bronchoscopy. (FYI: If you ever have one, make sure they put you COMPLETELY out for it.) And now it's July and the final results are here: I have lung cancer. Rats. Crud. And %$&*@.
  ¶ 7:24 PM 3 comments