Tuesday

Well, I now know why no one had any encouraging stories regarding radiation. The reason? There aren’t any. Radiation is awful. It very quietly zaps energy and appetite. And it’s cumulative, so every zap adds to the one before, so that every day, I am more tired and less hungry than the day before. I have reached the point where swallowing anything hurts a lot. It feels like I’ve swallowed a hot charcoal briquette. It doesn’t hurt in my throat at all, the pain is in my esophagus and in my back. Fortunately, I decided that starving to death was not an option, so just last night I learned how to eat and drink. I can take tiny sips (think baby spoon size) of room temperature water, and I can eat tiny bites of soft food, like pudding and soup. Yes, it takes much longer to eat and drink that way, but the food stays down and it doesn’t hurt as much to swallow it.

I learned today that I can take children's liquid ibuprofen for pain! Since I can't swallow pills anymore, I had to say good-bye to my daily Motrin and multi-vitamin. I was in considerable pain so I was happy to know that I could take something. It tastes awful, though.

I was very puny on Monday. I went to work, stayed exactly an hour and a half, then came home and spent the day on the couch. I did take time to go for chemo (it was Monday, after all), and was not well enough for it, so I got a reprieve. I did get radiation, though, I guess one is never too sick to be zapped. I talked with my oncologist regarding pain, radiation, and medicine. I told him that I’d been pretty sick most of the day, with vomiting and fatigue and was unable to eat. The vomiting was caused by one of the pain meds, which was supposed to help me eat. Ironic, huh? I took the medicine, hoping to be able to consume something worthwhile, and ended up losing it all. The good doctor and I discussed taking a break from the radiation. After giving that about 1 second’s thought, I declined that offer. If I take a break, I’m not going back. And so the doctor suggested talking with Dr. White (the surgeon) to see if I can be put on his schedule sooner than planned. After thinking that over for about 3 seconds, I declined that offer, too, saying that 30 rounds of radiation were prescribed for a reason, and stopping in the middle may make it all in vain. What I want is just to be able to eat. So if we can deal with the painful swallowing somehow, I’m willing to keep going. I have a new prescription for a different kind of painkiller, along with a prescription for nausea. Now that I have learned how to eat, maybe I won’t need them. We’ll see how this goes.

(I just may follow Bon Cheri Bomb’s advice --see her comment on previous entry-- and start eating baby food. What the heck, it’s soft, it’s about the right amount, and apparently healthy.)

I have good news! The other day, I was looking in the mirror and saw… could it be? YES!! I have HAIR!! Oh, it’s soft and fuzzy, like a puppy’s ear, and very, very short, and most of it is white (White?? No matter, Clairol and I will fix that!), and I was happy to see it! I was doing the Snoopy dance around the room. I’ll be wearing the wig for a while until it grows enough to be seen from a distance. Just thinking about it makes me smile. I keep messing with it--I hope I don’t rub it all off! I have hair, I have hair! Heehee.

Thanks for being here.  ¶ 6:06 PM